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your name is clyde donovan and you're at lunch

ask craig for some of his lunch

dont

you probably should eat dude

ask craig for some of his lunch

"hey dude, can i have like part of your sandwhich or something?"

he gives you a look but you ignore it and take part of his sandwhich

you feel fat now

you sit quietly through lunch, watching craig laugh with the others

and you realize that you love his smile

class

you're sitting in class talking to craig when he asks you something really uncomfortable

"want to go somewhere after school? like, i don't know, raisins?"

you almost grimace but that would make you look a little gay

so you just smile and say yes

raisins

craig pushes the door open for you both and the minute you walk in, you feel sick

there are way too many girls

attractive ones

but you're not interested, just scared

sit down

a pretty waitress walks over to your table and you start grinding your teeth when you see craig talking to her

she suddenly asks what you want and you're caught totally off guard

nothing

just fries

you decide that you're way too chubby for anything here

nothing

she writes something down and winks at you, but all you do is look right at craig

"aren't you hungry?"

yes

"then why don't you eat?"

instead of answering, you start biting your lip as you glance around the room

all the girls here are skinnier than you'll ever be

it makes you want to puke

get up

craig asks where you're going but you shrug him off and quicken your pace to the restroom

it's empty

"thank god" you say as you hastely open one of the stalls and fall to your knees in front of the toilet

you're hovering over it with your finger down your throat and you're thinking

shit

you want to cry when you see all the vomit in front of you

because you're still

fat

get out of there

you flush the toilet and make your way back to craig

who's already eating

"where'd you go?"

"somewhere"

"you on a diet?"

not exactly

"oh" he says, and you guys don't talk until he's done eating

he didn't seem that interested in the girls either

but every time one of them tried to talk to him

you couldn't help but feel

jealous

craigs house

you don't like going to your own house with craig because you feel like he'll question the low amount of food in the fridge

both of you run up to his room and he turns on his xbox, handing you a controller

"what game do you wanna play?"

anything you want to

"uhh" he looks around the room and all you do is look at him

"we don't have to do anything really" he finally says, sitting on the bed next to you

omg

your face gets red and you try really hard to look away from him

he's so close

oh my god you could touch him

"wanna go to taco bell?"

panic

that's your favorite place, and he knows it

you could never refuse taco bell

but you were just around all that food

jesus christ why does he want to go places with you all of a sudden

say no

"okay, something's up" he narrows his eyes and forces you to look at him

oh shit he's touching your face

"i don't want to talk about it" you reply, hoping he doesn't notice how much you're shaking

"you're shaking, dude"

fuck

"dieting" you lie

but craig knows you too well

"you're lying, please eat something"

tell him to shut up

he looks angry now

but it's sorta cute when he pouts like that

"did something really bad happen? like, you weren't drooling over those girls either"

"they made me want to puke" you accidently say, and he looks surprised

"why??"

they were so skinny

"you're not fat, clyde"

you look down at your stomach and bite your lip, because you know that's a lie

"i don't mean that you're skinny either, you're a little chubby, but that's perfectly fine"

NO ITS NOT

you jump off the bed and cross your arms because now you're really pissed

it's not fine

it's so far from fine

you know you need to be skinny to earn his affection

so it's not okay to be 'a little chubby'

cry

you're so frustrated that you start bawling right in front of your crush

wow this is embarrassing

you can feel him standing really close to you

and you almost feel like dying when he wraps his arms tightly around you

kiss him

before he gets the chance to comfort you, your hands grab his face and pull it towards yours

and your lips are on craig's

and all that runs through your mind is

wow

he pushes you off so that your back hits the door

he looks scared

and your knees are weak

run home

you forget about the time between opening craig's door and opening your own

the second your jump into bed you start screaming

(hank god your dad's at work right now)

your tears are salty and your skin is burning and you want to tear it all off

you also want to puke up your guts

so you do

it tastes awful and burns the back of your throat but all you want to do is empty yourself until you can't feel anymore

just go to sleep

you wake up with puke on your shirt and covers

your parents tell you to stay home

sleep some more

you check your phone as soon as you wake up somewhere in the afternoon, still covered in puke

there's a new message from stan

do you know where craig is?

you just reply with "no"

it suddenly hits you that you haven't eaten all day

that makes you smile and get up to check your weight

you lost 5 pounds in the past week

no matter how empty you feel

you're still fat

pick up the phone

it's stan, again

no seriously dude hes not answering anything and he wasnt at school

you walk out of the house with your puke covered shirt and make your way to craig's house

knock

no one answers, so you let yourself in

craig?

you run upstairs and fall to your knees in his doorway

oh

there's a bottle of pills on the ground

and a note

it says

im so sorry please dont hate me

you put your hands on his shoulders and try to meet his gaze

but it never meets yours

you feel sick

your hand shakes a lot when you dial his number

it rings three times

but he answers

what

"stan said you weren't at school"

"yeah"

he sounds tired

"glad you finally called" you think you can hear him laugh "call 911 for me"

your heart drops

but you put him on hold

dial 911

you switch back to your conversation with him and ask what's wrong about a hundred times

"i just wanted to die for a little"

"for a little? i'm a lot dumber than you but i know that death is forever, craig"

he doesn't reply for a while

"i really, like, love you"

he hangs up

you're not entirely sure what's happening but you feel nauseus and confused and a little bit happy all at the same time

skip to a couple hours later

craig sneaks into your house at 2 in the morning to tell you all about what happened

"they pumped my stomach" he says, refusing to look you in the eyes "i just felt terrible, because i thought you were going to do something really bad, and i didn't wanna see it happen"

you're silent

"i'm so sorry" he kisses you slowly this time

i really like love you too

you decide to work on your eating habits because he returns your feelings

and for once you don't feel so empty

you don't know what to do

stay home

check on him

try calling

the text frightens you and you decide to just shut your phone off

you hope he's alright

school

you show up at school the next day without craig

and he's all you think about the entire day

skip lunch

you skip lunch to sit in the bathroom and stick your finger down your throat again

it hurts, but it's worth it

it makes you forget about craig for a bit

home

you see ambulances and police cars down the street

they're in front of craig's house

holy shit

you sprint down the street and see craig's parents crying near the front door

ask them what happened

they tell you that craig committed suicide yesterday

....

you don't know what to do

untitled

tumblr user clydetuckers

clyde has an eating disorder, and craig worries

warnings for eating disorders and suicide and stuff